Parent of the Year

I seriously believe that Kim and I (mostly me of course) could make an entry practically everyday entitled "Parent of the Year" for something we did that day. Although I have years of wisdom, experience and hygiene practice over my children (yes I do put the seat back down), I still, somehow, find an opportunity to revert back to the 3rd grade. If you haven't been able to figure out yet, dear reader, that the "Parent of the Year" title should be construed as "This man should definitely NOT be called the 'Parent of the Year', in fact he shouldn't even be around children...or open flame...or sharp objects...or really any bipedal anthropoids (my old Anthropology professor would be so proud of me for using that term)," then please, stop reading now, because I don't want to somehow taint your opinion of me. Yes I am the "Parent of the Year" and don't you forget it, mister!

So last night, I went through my normal exercise of slogging through traffic looking for some relief through the sultry sounds of Coldplay or fist-pounding riffs of Zepplin only to arrive home to what can be described as the latest broadcast of The Muppet Show. (And you thought it was cancelled! Pashaw!) Sometimes I come home and almost expect to see that guy throwing boomerang fish around the living room, that's how crazy it can be. You see 6 p.m. is definitely not a good time for little boys - me included. We're hungry, tired and just a little cranky. Last night was no different and Kim was doing her best controlling the madness.



While Kim is extraordinary at keeping the boys from killing each other or setting fire to the ficus, she also has a much higher tolerance for noise than I do. I mean, have you seen the size of these pasta bowls on my head? On still, clear nights I can pick up the BBC with these things - or is that just my alarm clock set to NPR? Regardless, after a long day at the office and a torturous drive home, I often arrive in a slightly fragile state of mind.

Last night was no different, and thus we have the stage set for something not so pretty. During dinner, Kim told the boys that they could have a little bit of soda if they finished their water. So, Aiden drinks his water and then gets some soda. Greyson, same thing. Gage is a pretty slow eater, so hadn't made it to soda time yet, but he was getting there. Then comes the Bubs. Have we mentioned that he is also called the Naughty Gnome? Jace goes and dumps his water in the plant and then declares that he's finished with his water and wants soda.

Me: "You just dumped it in the plant."

Jace: "No me didn't. Me drink it."

Me: "Here's a little more water finish it and then you can have some soda."

Jace: "No me not want water. Me get soda now."

After some threats with going to bed or something, he relents and takes the water. Next, however, he drinks a little and spits the rest on himself in some feeble attempt to get it back into his cup. He always thinks this is really funny by the way. After he shakes his cup a few times, spilling even more on the floor, I lose it. (At least inside I do. You know on cartoons when steam comes out of the character's ears - I was feeling a bit Little Tea Pot-ish by this point.) So what else is there for me to do but to grab his cup and pour the rest of his water on his head. Yep, remember that adult that is supposed to be named "Dad" that resides in our house. I have no idea where he went. Maybe he is sitting on the couch at the mall watching Animal Planet. All I remember hearing in my head was some crazy person saying, "If you think it is so funny to spill water, LET'S REALLY SPILL SOME WATER...ALL OVER YOUR FREAKIN' HEAD!"

Apparently seeing your dad do something like that causes different reactions in some people. Aiden, Grey and Kim completely lost themselves in fits of laughter. Gage cried - maybe because he felt that he could be next or that the soda train had left the station. Who knows? Cooper was oblivious to everything as he shoved noodles into his face.

I got Jace a towel and helped him wipe up the water on the floor. He of course was fine in just a minute or two. I however will not be fine for quite some time. Today it was water on the head. Tomorrow who knows what it will be. Maybe V-8 juice? I need help people. That kid on the Sixth Sense saw dead people. I see gnomes and this ain't no movie!